Thursday, December 27, 2007

Spider-Man: Death By D.K.

Let's face the facts, mis amigos. The 90's and mainstream comic books were quite possibly the worst pairing off since the oft (and best) forgotten love affair between myself and the country of Liechtenstein. And, coming straight from the adorable little slice of Spider-Man's history known as the clone saga, I give you:




Oh snap, Spidey's about to get curb stomped by a turtle made of sperm!? Will his triumphant return be cut shortly? Will Ben Reilly prove to be a viable alternative to Peter Parker as The Spectacular Spider-Man? Will I ever find a good reason for owning this bilious tome of only the blackest bile?

The answer to these questions is no. Oh god, it's a resounding no.

Yes, Spidey, the story we are about to delve into is indeed ill, and there will be pain. That Spider-Sense sure is paying off!

The story of this issue is of the sub-Captain Planet caliber. Apparently, 90's Marvel was not quite content enough with vomiting forth some of the most asinine storylines that insulted every aspect of story-telling in their sheer audacity to exist, they had to tell us all about pollution!

Now, I don't know about you, but I don't watch documentaries that aren't about failure or serial killers, so I did not see An Inconvenient Truth. However, if Al Gore instead put out Spider-Man vs. Global Warming: A Battle No One Can Win, I'd have seen that shit no less than 105 times, and have learned quite a bit. However, Al Gore was not behind this abomination of an issue. No siree, it was some guy called Todd Dezago, who co-created Young Justice. I think of him as taking the Rob Liefield role in the Rob Liefield/Fabian Niecieza co-creation of Deadpool. What I'm saying here is, if this guy is good, he sure aint showing it here

Basically, some environmentally unsound chemical plant head named Sanders kills DK and his brother, only instead of dying, DK becomes a muck monster and swears revenge against Sanders and also Spider-Man is there, too for some reason.

Sanders originally looks like a character actor playing a 1920's gangster. You can tell he's evil because he has the most lines on him. Somehow between this point and when D.K. decides to go a murderin', he loses a shitton of weight. Then again, with art like this:

consistency is the least of your worries. Seriously what the fuck happened to anatomy and his second leg?

Now, D.K himself has some pretty awesome powers. He can dissolve anything with his super pollution. This indeed is useful and makes it so Spider-Man doesn't kick his ass even once in the span of the entire issue, and renders him relatively useless. Then again, it was Ben Reilly Spider-Man, so calling him useless is par for the course.

However, D.K's true power is to create phrases with no meaning forever adding this saying to my repertoire:

I know what you're thinking. We're all thinking it. What the fuck does that even mean? I am no expert on the intricacies of the muck man lingo, but I think it means "time to get a new writer." Pretty sure about that one.

Now, good ol' Ben doesn't want to get outshined by the clearly radical quips of one Mr. D.K on his first outing as The Spectacular Spider-Man, so, when confronting the monster a second time, he lets loose with a most spectacular zinger of his own:

Oh shit. D.K. just got served by the wittiest of witty lines. Surely he has been put in his place.

Honestly, I wish I could go more in depth with this issue, but really, nothing happens. In the end D.K. is defeated by his conscience after Spidey gives him a "don't do the whole revenge deal, it really isn't kosher" talk. This talk is on like the second to last page. I guess good ol' Toddy couldn't think of a better way to end this abortion of an issue, so he went with the whole preaching thing.

As an added Bonus, Venom and The Ultraverse:

Venom, Venom, everywhere indeed

How I miss you, 90's.

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